Bonjour my little spam enthusiasts!

My web mail client has been having a few problems logging in and trying to cope with the enormous amount of spam.

I have managed to collect a whopping 7,084 spam emails in just one month.

Looking through some of the other posts on the S.P.A.M website, it seems as though every one here in Spamville wants to burst in to song to celebrate the end of this project.

I thought I would compose a little song of my own; which for stage performance purposes would be sung by the world famous comedy duo “Ronnie and Reg”.

And now, the end is near;
And so I read my final email.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, but spell it badly.

My Inbox lived a life that’s full.
I’ve trawled through each and every website;
But more, much more than this,
I did it for research.

Cigarettes, I’ve smoked a few;
But then again, with something I can’t mention.
I did what you told me to do
And saw it through but with expression.

I planned each college course;
Each silly step on the Internet highway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it your way.

Yes, there were times, when I was pissed
I clicked on offers I should have missed.
But my colon’s clean, without a doubt,
I drank it down and shat it out.
I’ve tried it all, but I stood tall; [That’ll be the Viagra son]
And did it your way.

My car it ran on gas.
But then I filled; it with plain water.
And now, the engines died,
I found it all quite confusing.

To think I’ve blogged all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,  [No you may not]
Oh no, oh no, oh no! [You haven’t grown tits as well have you son?]
I did it their way. [Good for you son]

For what is a spam, what has it got?
If not itself, then not a lot.
£10 Million pounds from false appeals;
Those are the words of one who steals.
The record shows that no one knows?
I did it your way!

Thank you, thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen you’ve been a beautiful audience.
If you’ve managed to read through this much rubbish them I’m really impressed.

I’d like to thank Mcafee for having me on this experiment, a big thank you to the beautiful Emma at the Red Agency, for digging me up from under a rock and getting my career in reading lots of shit, off to a flying start.

And to you; my beautiful blog fanz; if you ever want to get in touch; just send me a spam!

Thank you and good night.

Simon.
X

Ha, Ha…….well, everything picked up at the end when the REAL SPAM started arriving.  Had a laugh chatting with all of these people who want my address/phone number etc etc.  to (allegedly) send me money!   It’s odd but even though it is so obvious that they do not wish to send the money, I can understand that some people who are vulnerable may just think that it just may be the real thing and go along with it…some losing a lot of cash along the way.

This sort of SPAM is terrible and so unfair to those who are vulnerable.  However, I was, and, if my mail didn’t siphon it off, I would be, really annoyed to be getting SO MANY unsolicited marketing emails.  They are so irrelevant and annoying.  Sent to everyone even thought the target market is tiny!  There companies should be shut down.  As Vic, one of the others in the McAfee SPAM experiment said, It CAN’T be as hard as the government depts say it is.  I think they rely on the large software companies to filter them instead of going in at the root and cutting it.  Yes the war will never be won but they need to set a precedent and make examples!

Anyway, no skin of my nose really, I just was happy to play my small part in this world of weird, wonderful and shite……and have a bit of a Laugh along the way.

Good luck with the results McAfee, I hope I helped…..and I’ll pass on the Viagra when I get them……as I am an UPSTANDING (geddit….UPSTANDING….Viagra….geddit?) member of the experiment!

Goodbye.

They forecast doom and gloom.

Said my laptop wouldn’t survive more than a couple of days. Inferred that I was one disc short of a hard drive by volunteering in the first place.

So shout it loudly:

MY LAPTOP AND I BOTH SURVIVED!!

Not sure about my e-mail account though. I’ll check it for the last time a minute or two before mid-night. I prefer POP3, and haven’t used webmail for years. Waiting for the webmail headers to download each time I accessed my mail became frustrating by the middle of the month. Access took longer and l-o-n-g-e-r each day.

But my laptop is still clean as a whistle. No viruses, no malware.

Me? I’m fine!

I wasn’t enamoured by the American sites that message me, and then, when I click, tell me I live in the wrong country. Redirection rubs me up the wrong way - especially when different spammers send me to the same British site. A site where I’m offered a totally different product from that which I was interested in. Repeated redirection to a common site makes me wonder if all this is managed by a single Godfather. A Spam King.

The origin of spam?

• The USA: 96%

• Continental Europe: 2%

• The Caribbean: 0.9%

• Asia: 0.9%

• United Kingdom: 0.1%

• The rest of the world: 0.1%

These figures aren’t “real counts” but are based on my impressions.

The claim the authorities make that spam cannot be controlled because the perpetrators live in “foreign lands” is therefore a work of fiction. American business is paying for this spam to be sent, so why don’t the powers-that-be mimic McAfee’s methods?

They should

1. Open a temporary e-mail account.
2. Sit back and wait.
3. When spam arrives use a big hammer and hit them hard.

It’s late and time for a mid-night snack. I rather fancy a SPAM ™ sandwich, the kind made by the Hormel Foods Corporation. The kind of SPAM ™ that is a Good Buy.

Goodbye!

Vic

So then.  I received some prepaid VISA cards and decided, i’m off shopping!  I’ve been offered many, many things over the last month.   Hand Bags…Washer Dryers…Dog Food…Jewellery.

Hmmm, which ones?  To be honest I’ve not bought myself any new Jewellery in AGES, my old stuff is just looking sooo tired.  Also, the last time I had a dinner party I had to plump it out with expensive REAL MEAT! because I had run out of Dog Food so I could be doing with some of that.

However, forgot all of the above, I went with Viagra!  Now…..listen here…..this is a SPAM and internet experiment, NOT an admission of a requirement of myself of this medicine!  I could even add that no matter what state I am in I have NEVER required the use but you probably don’t want or need to hear that!

Anyway, I have placed my order on www.attevm.com and now await the product in 5-12 days time.  The shipping time is not an issue for me as I repeat, this is NOT for my consumption…I have NO problems there….HONEST…….maybe….well, maybe just the one…..

I haven’t received too many offers for sex drive enhancements over the alst month but this site is definitely one that has arrived through SPAM emails.  I will be sending the ‘product’ to McAfee to conduct tests to see if it’s real.  Watch this space……

And remember……..If you’re speaking to anyone, don’t tell them about this little problem that I definitely don’t have……maybe dont have…..cheers!

close to the end and i must admit its quite a relieving feeling… opened the inbox today to discover 2131 messages resting in my inbox. all with the usual subject matter of the past three weeks. at least until i discover this: 

Dear loved good one,  Please,Permit me to inform you of my mind, Because I have make up my mind to write to you this way. however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will.I contacted you after so many fasting and prayers.i checked ur mesage details and i didn’t hesitate to contact you due to it’s esteeming nature and me showing interest that i want my late father’s money transfered into your nominated bank account,in your country.please read attentively and kindly reply me now   for more details  I am a 22 years old lady now, i was born on the 28th of march,1986. to the family of Andrew and my father name is Joseph he is a very wealthy gold and cocoa merchant who based in ACCRA and here in ABIDJAN respectively,and my mothers name is sherif.and I am there only child.My mother died when i was a kid and my father took me so special because i  am motherless and his only dauther and he shower all his love on me and promised me that he will never have another woman because he did not want me to for any problem.But fate doesn’t allow,till my father died last year.He was poisoned to death by his business associate and his blood brother,who happened to be my uncle.My uncle and my father business partnesr,was being suspected of killing my late father,because they went to that business trip together and it was on the essence,my late father got poisoned.But only God almighty knows the truth. But before the death of my father on the 12th September 2007 in a private hospital here in Abidjan, he called me secretly to his bed side and told me that he deposited the sum of US$10.500 000 (ten million five hundred thousand united states dollars) in a bank here my country,Abidjan,Cote D’ivoire. meanwhile that he used my name as the next of kin in deposit of the funds.  He also explained to me that it was because of this money that he was poisoned to death and that i should seek for foreign partner in a country of my choice where i would transfer this total money and use it for investment purpose, such as; real estate investment or stock market investment.  Please, i am honourably soliciting for your kind and urgent assistance in the following ways: 1) To provide a bank account where this money will be transfered into. 2) To serve as the guardian of these fund  ,since i am 22 years old. 3)To make arrangement for me in your country to continue my educational career and to procure to me a residential permit in your country.  I am inclined to offer you 15% of the total sum as a mode of compensation for your effort after the successful transfering of these fund to your nominated account overseas.Please i will be very happy if this transaction will be concluded within three (3) working days from now.Please you have to understand me,Even rightnow as i am writting you this message,tears are running out of my eyes.you need to understand how i feel and how much i miss my loving and caring parents.i am tired of staying in this country for my own security reasons.i want to transfer this my late father’s fund into your nominated bank account in your country and start my new life over there with you and your good lovely family.  Anyway,Let me stop here for my security reasons.Anticipating to hear urgently from you soon, Infact, i am seriously fasting and praying now, before writting you this letter, because, this money here is what is left for me and my life.I prayed you understand, because if anything happened to it,i will beg for the rest of my life. so please try and help me out urgently.ok.  I am expecting to hear from you as soon as possible.  May Almighty God bless you as you do care for me Amen.  With My Best regard,  Linda Andrew.     

Now obviously this is a spam message and im guessing its in order to con me out of handing over my account details etc. but i just cant believe how low some people will go in order to deceive. i understand sending out advertisement etc (however annoying they are) but cannot understand what would incline anyone to forge such a story. fortunately this was the first spam message of such nature i received over the period of the experiment. i just hope this isnt something thats going become the ‘fashion’ in the world of spam. 

laters

Clicked on “Join the Way of Being Smart On Line” and was taken to another of those educational sites. This degree - the U.S. Life Experience Degree - only costs US$199.00, and has 100% approval. Does that mean everyone “passes” with an “A+”?

It’s shipped free, and could be mine within 15 days. Apparently no questions are asked, no answers are needed. I’ll pass. Pull the other leg - it has a school bell on it.

Googling on <”Life Experience Degree”> offered me 89,600 results plus related adverts in the side panel. Googling a second time <”Life Experience Degree” site:ac.com> (meaning produce only academic com sites) gave zero results. Hmmm - I think I’ll still pass on that one. (’Scuse the double entendre!).

Oh, you want to know about spam?

Yesterday it dribbled in, and it’s much the same today. Got more than a hundred delayed delivery bounces as well. These were in response to my autosending of an “Unsubscribe” email whenever I received a spam message. Strange that they sit on my “unsubscribes” for three days rather than bounce them back immediately.

Doesn’t look as if I’m going to make the 2000 spam count after all. I’ll have to be satisfied with today’s offerings:

Detoxify!
Colon Cleanse!
Get inside people’s minds!
Hollywood’s Fountain of Youth!
People are getting rid of varicose veins!
New hope for dieters from Japanese seaweed!
How I Legally Robbed a Bank for over $87,978 and Got Away With It!

I was going to enrol for the last as the cost was only US$54.90 but then I remembered that robbing a bank is still illegal. In any case if he can make money like that for himself, why let the cat out of the bag for US$54.90?

But why should I work for a living?
I have so many Nigerian, Hong Kong, French and Ghanaian inheritances promised, at least half a dozen Euro Lottery winnings due to me (which I mustn’t tell anyone about), and a couple of hundred cash gifts / refunds / grants payable any day now. Why work? (I’m retired anyway, and don’t want to change my status. I’ve waited years to be able to put my occupation as “RETIRED” on internet surveys…. )

I digress. All these monies: I hope they come through before midnight tomorrow. At midnight tomorrow the “carriage and horses” will disappear, and this Cinderella will be gone.

Did you realise they’re going to send the inheritance emails to you instead?

Vic

I have now received another email offering me money.  Unfortunately with this one I may have to help the poor and needy…..boo!

———————————————————————

Dear Beloved,Here writes Madam Rosilyn Dyer widow of late Sir James Dyer, suffering from cancerous ailment. We were married for eleven years with a son who was on the same boat mishap with my late Husband.My late husband deposited the sum of Eight million Pounds sterling derived from his vast estates and investment in the capital market with a finance home here in the United Kingdom. Recently, my doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to help me use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows,orphans, and the needy.I have decided to donate this fund to you, I do hope you would be able to utilize this money for the said purpose just as I’m going to instruct herein. I want you to utilize the funds by creating a charity foundation called ‘JAMES DYER FOUNDATION’ to assist widows and help accident victims worldwide. this deposit is known by me, our family lawyer and now you.Contact our family lawyer with this specified email addressBarrister Timothy Martins (ESQ) Email: barr_timmartins@live.com

Goodday,
�
My Client, Mrs Rosilyn Dyer has informed me about her intension. She said she got your email contact form a private search conducted on the internet and prayed over your name with her Prophet who advised her to go ahead with you. She has also directed me to begin necessary arrangements with respect to the transfer of the funds.

I want you to send the following information so that i can forward an application to the High Court to secure the letter of administration and any other document to present to the Finance House for release of the funds to you.
1. Your Names in full.
2. Your Postal Address.
3. Your direct Telephone number
4. Marital Status.
5. Occupation.
6. Your Age.
�
Endeavour to provide the details to enable me commence the paperwork. I also want you to call on my private line so we can discuss modalities on the successful transfer of the funds. My Private telephone number is +44 703 181 7712

I shall be expecting your call. Thank you and have a nice day.
�
Yours faithfully,
Timothy Martins (Esq)
�
N.B. My Client, Mrs. Rosilyn Dyer is offering 30% of her husbands Estate to you.

————————————————————————————

My response:

Hello.

My name is Ian Manden Coast

I am 30 and work as Zoologist.

I wish to ask few questions before my address and phone number.

Are you a british man?  Do you live in uk?

How are you?

Is Mrs. Dyer OK.  She must still be sad.

Is possible speak on phone when.

I am religous man and only like to accpt monies religous peoples.  Are Mrs Dyer Religous?

Many Kindings.

Ian Manden Coast.

————————————————————————————————————

ROCK ON!  HE SAID:

Hello,
�
I am british and i live in the U.K
�
You cannot speak with Mrs Dyer for now as she is under intensive care in a hospital. We are very religious people. Please send requested details so we can proceed.
�
Regards,
�
Timothy Martins.

—————————————————————————————-

You believe this…….. I SAID:

Mr timothy.

What details you needed now?

Is possible me visit Mrs. Dyer or least send card to let her knowe me thinking about her and ppreciate very large gestures indeed?

Thank you very much for your emails Mr timothy.  Mostest Prompt.

Ian Menden Coast.

—————————————————————————————————-

HE SAID:

Hello,
�
I need your address to prepare the agreement. I also need your phone number for communication purposes.
�
When the time is right, you will speak with Mrs. Dyer.
�
Regards,
�
Timothy Martins.
—————————————————————————

Time for fun at the end, I’ll push him!!  I SAID:

You say you need my dress but I as man wear trousers and shirt.  Man no wear dress….indeed funny.

You wear dress Mr. Timothy Martins?

I think ytou good in dress.

Well, I came back from my long weekend away hoping to hear from my new friend at the Nigerian government.  All I got was two emails saying that my email was still in the delivery process.  It should be there by now but maybe they have decided that I am undeserving of the money now!  I emailed them back to ask what is going on.

Very disappointed.  However, the better news is that i am still receiving less of the marketing emails.  Unsubscribing does seem to work on the whole but there are one or two folk that really don’t give a hoot about whether you want their email or not.  It will come anyway!

 Aside from that i just got more of the usual freebee sites/insurance quotes/surveys for vouchers/health/colonics etc, etc, you know all the things that normal 30 year old guys want to do with their spare time……. A couple of days to go….is that enough time for my nigerian fortune to come through??

As Blogged on day 23 I received information from the ‘Nigerian Government asking me to respond as they have Moneyy for me.  I responded asking for more information, They have got back to me.  Here is their response and My counter response.

————————————————————————

Hello Dr. Robert Mark.

This is amazing.  I have an email from the office of the Presidency of Nigeria.  It is wonderful to speak with you.

Can you tell me once again why I have received the monies that you talk to me about?

I am a very unlucky man usually and this is the first time that tis is happening to a man like me.

Please respond as I am an excited man.

Ian.

—– Original Message —–

From: nigeria government

To: Ian@thspex.com

Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 5:27 PM

Subject: Re: SWIFT CREDIT CARD PAYMENT(DR. ROBERT MARK).+234 1 216 7284

THE PRESIDENCY                       OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY TO THE GOVERNMENT OF THE FEDERATION                                         VERIFICATION AND RECONCILIATION                                             DEBT MANAGEMENT DESK                                        ASO ROCK VILLA, ABUJA-NIGERIA , SWIFT CREDIT CARD PAYMENT OUR REF: PRS/COM/00452/IMP ATTN :Ian Coast, SWIFT CREDIT CARD THE ABOVE SUBJECT MATTER REFERS.                                                                                                  We are pleased to acknowledge the reciept of your mail.� However, your full information is needed to prepare your atm card. mind you ,you will have to pay for the insurance and the delivert charges.Get back to me soonest. Sincerely, � DR. ROBERT MARK

I got this this morning……consequent replies listed as they arrive

———————————————————-

EMAIL BALLOT
Reference Number: UK/2008/11781/07
Batch Number: 074/05/ZY457
Ticket Number: 5877600545 199
                 FINAL NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you today  2008 of the result
of
the winners of the EURO MILLIONNATIONAL LOTTERY ONLINE
PROMO
PROGRAMME, held 2008.
($1,500,000.00) (One Million, Five Hundred Thousand
Dollars)
Names, Contact Telephone Numbers (Home, Office and
Mobile Number and
also Fax Number)and also with your winning
informations via email.
CONTACT PERSON:MR ANDREW WOOLLEY
Bank Name:LA CAIXA BANK MADRID
Email: andrewwolley360@live.com
       Tel:+34-653-704-982
       Fax:+34-91-181-7341

Provide him with the information below:
1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Occupation:
4.Nationality:
5.Telephone Number:
Yours Truly,
Anna Maria(Mrs)
Co-ordinator(Online Promo Programme).
—————————————————————–

Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve won.  But, with my non response from the Nigerian government I can only wait with baited breath.  I have replied with my info and asked them for an email to let me know more details.  Ohh, I hope they come back to me so I can give them a taste of their own medicine!

Update later.

————————————————————————-

*UPDATE*  This email received…………………………………..

ACCOUNT OPENNING FORM  FOR FUNDS TRANSFER.
LA CAIXA, SERRANO, 60, 28001 MADRID
�
Attention: WINNER,
 This is to acknowledgment the receipt of your e-mail, and to confirm the validity of the winning notification which you received from the organisers of the lottery promotions . Be informed that your winnig numbers have been verified, and you have been approved to receive the sum of( $1,500,000.00 Dollars (One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars), as the new winner of the last email lotto draw.
�
The entire member of Staff of LA CAIXA BANK MADRID Bank wish to congratulate you for being one of the lucky winner’s in this category. Be informed that this lottery promotion was conducted through the worldwide  Internet random selection, the participants and winners where picked randomly through a computer ballot system and so you have been picked as one of the lucky winners and our bank has been mandated to remit the winning sum of One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars to you .
�
Be informed that presently all won funds are domiciled in the Automated suspense account of (P A B). This is to enable the bank and the organisers of this program monitor the transfers of funds to winners to avoid double claim or mix up on the transfer of funds.
 To claim your funds, You are  to open a non-resident account with the bank so that your funds can be transferred from our automated suspense account into your bank account with us,  and subsequently your funds will be further transfered to any designated bank account of your choice. Meanwhile, your award funds will remain with us and in the Automated Suspense account of (P A B) pending on when a non-resident account in opened for the transfer of the funds to you. However, these measures are standard financial regulations by the European Central Bank (E.C.B) since the commencement of the global fight against terrorism and the enactment of the new anti-money laundry acts. This is also in line with the European law guiding all financial institutions in an attempt to curb unlawful tempering of funds.
�
For the purpose of the transfer of your funds, an account openning form has been attached to this mail, for the immediate openning of a non-resident account with the LA CAIXA Bank. This account is to retrieve your funds from the domicile account of the Central Bank before a further transfer to your nominated account in your country through the newly Tested Digicom Telegrafic Online Wire-Transfer, or Certified Cheque.
�
As  a matter of urgency on the time stipulated for us to carry out transfer to lawful beneficiaries, you are carefully advised to print out and complete the non-resident account openning form and send it back to us by fax or email attachment. The Form allows you to indicate the mode of payment you will prefer.
 Note: A copy of your international passport or driver’s license will be required to complete the account openning on your behalf. You are to print out the form, fill and send back with a copy of your ID.
�
In view of the above, you are to contact Mr. Woolley Andrew of the International Remittance Department on Tel: +34-653-704-982, Fax: +34-91-181-7341.
 Yours Sincerely,
For Mr. WOOLLEY ANDREW.
(International Remittance Officer.)
—————————————————————————

I’ll need to send them the filled out form to claim…..ohh how exciting.